The intertwined and complex feelings of being a mother

I found that if we live outside a strong community, it’s difficult to find a place to celebrate the new mothers.
Gender reveal and baby shower gatherings are so popular, but where and when do we celebrate the new mother?

The baby is born and everything goes so fast, especially when mums go back to work only a couple of weeks after giving birth.
Where do we sit down in all this hustle?

This is what I wrote for the beautiful mama’s ceremony the fantastic CRMA members organized for my baby daughter and me.

Once, I was at the beach and I saw a mum shouting at her child.

I told a friend, “When you become a parent, you become the secondary character of your own life.”

The mother overheard me and gave me a look of quiet approval.

Now that I’m a mother, I still feel it’s kind of true.

I love my Popo more that I love myself.

I think she is more precious and more important than me.

Looking at photos of her brings me more joy than looking at photos of myself.

At the same time, one day, I was closing my eyes and I was breathing as if I hadn’t had the chance to do so in a very, very long time. I started to cry of emotions; as I have entered the space of the Heart of the parents, more specifically of the mothers.

In the collective Heart of motherhood, I recognized my own feelings.

This inextricable longing to have my peace again.

Just ME, all for ME, by myself, for some time and for myself.

But the truth is, since I’m her mother there is no more ME.

There is US, there is “ME for YOU”. But ME for ME no longer exists.

When she is not with me, I keep thinking about her and I miss her.

Is she okay?
Is she missing me?
Is she safe?
Did she eat well?

And now I understand what the struggle is, the burden of being a mother.

It’s to constantly think about your children and worry about them all the time.
My mind is restless because it is preoccupied by her.

Since I’m a mother as well, now I understand why my mum thinks about me all the time, more than I think about her.

Why she sends me a text the moment I land in a new place to make sure I arrived safely. And sometimes I took long time to reply, because I thought it was no big deal, I’m fine. What is the urgency of matter?

But in her heart and her mind, she can’t help but think about me even if she didn’t want to.

Now I understand, that those feelings are intertwined and have to exist together.

Despite the exhaustion, the lassitude, the desire to prioritize me again, my being now, lives FOR you.

About the Author:

Audrey is a mother, self-employed, and a passionate tarot reader. Originally from Tahiti, she moved to France where she studied social sciences and later earned a master’s degree in entrepreneurship. Very curious, she spent the first years of her adult life traveling, exploring how different cultures connect with their spirituality.
She worked in the tourism industry and later as a marketing assistant before transitioning to freelance work. She moved to Crete to settle and raise her family.She joined the CRMA to deepen her connection to women’s ancestral wisdom and take part in a movement that places care and community at the heart of society.