Anya Taylor-Joy as Beth Harmon
One thing my daughters and I always point out scornfully when watching most films or series is that whatever age the female protagonist is, she is never really allowed to have real friends. Sure, there may be one who pops up occasionally but she is rarely there when needed and her function is mostly expository. A depiction of real true friendship as experienced by most women is as scarce as hen’s teeth.
The female star is also rarely allowed a mother or daughter or even an aunt or sister whom she can go to for help and if, somehow, she does have a female family member this also counts as the one female friend she is allowed. Mostly other women are depicted as a problem to the leading lady, competition in business, love or whatever it may be. So as I try to put myself in the woman’s shoes, I find almost immediately that I can’t because in the situation this fictional woman finds herself, I would have called my best friend (mother/sister/daughter) …. and so it is that for many of us, media reality negates our real-life close bonds, by portraying women as loners who have often been let down by the women around them and need the love/rescue/both of a man to achieve peace and happiness.
And yet….nearly every woman reading this will have had at least one close relationship with another woman whether it be relation or friend. My mother died when I was very young and her gift to me was the love I experienced up until her premature death. However, I feel very fortunate to have had close relationships with two very different but resource-giving grandmothers, who passed on to me valuable lessons in life both practical (grandmother on my mothers’ side) and spiritual (on my father’s) . Not only this but I am blessed to have two daughters whom I am very close to , and I have wonderful friends, more than one of whom have been in my life for forty years!! Through such relationships we become very aware that keeping and developing a close and trusting friendship demands effort, honesty, commitment and love. Equally as important is always being open to the possibility of developing new friendships – our hearts have room for more souls to love.
But what of the women who really are like the woman in the films; life has not gifted such a woman any real close family relationships, no real friendship going back years? Does that mean they must have the love or rescue from a ‘good’ man in order to function healthily in this world? From what I am learning about matriarchy the answer is ‘No’ – or if you prefer, not necessarily. We at CRMA gather offering friendship and love to all women regardless of age. Our friendship takes different forms – if you are young, our older members may be your wise women…if you are older or in your middle years you will meet not only contemporaries but also members who can feed your vitality with their youthful insights; if you are a mother, we welcome you alone or together with your child (children). The prospect of being vulnerable to another may be a little overwhelming to women who have yet to experience this type of connection with other women but it is so worth sticking with it because the rewards of true friendship are deeply enriching.
Louise Henderson, Les Deux Amies, 1953
Bear with me as I bring in a very homely metaphor… think of how close relationships between women can be like sinking into the most comfortable sofa …it’s not so new one is afraid of spilling something on it; nor so hard that it’s difficult to feel cosy; nor so soft it is stifling (now I feel like I have stumbled across the Three Bears analogy – sorry to distract!)
We are all in need of the comforting resting place of the best sofa. My sofa of friendship is old and sagging, but it envelopes me in a feeling of comfort, familiarity and relaxation. I know I can be myself and any spills will not upset me. If you are starting out on a new friendship the sofa may be hard and ungiving – it takes time to get comfy and involves extra effort – cushions, a throw, a fair bit of wriggling…but you know it has such potential that you are willing to stick with it, learning along the way.
Real friendship embraces genuine understanding, mutual nurturing , support and tolerance. Don’t expect the sofa to become comfortable without a great deal of effort, and of course time, on both sides.
As members of the CRMA, we know that if we ever find ourselves being accused undeservedly, or having to rescue ourselves from a horrible situation, or having to stay alone in an empty house with no curtains… we have a close female friend to call , someone who will do their very best to help us and everything will end up alright. Sometimes, you may find yourself separated from your connections to other women. Less the loner leading lady constantly competing with other women and more a woman searching for a comfortable sofa and the support, advice and company of other women. Reader, wherever you are, should you want a comforting resting place, please join us on our journey of discovering the meaning of matriarchy – leave a comment, write a blog piece…or better still come visit us in Crete!!
About the Author:
Sian has lived in Crete since 1985 and has three children two of whom are in Crete and one living in London. She feels lucky to have always been self employed and working with people, outdoors and close to nature. The Cretan traditions of sharing food and hospitality, offering without expecting anything back, have always aligned with her core beliefs. She learnt knitting, sewing and cooking from her maternal grandmother and has passed these skills and the joy of creation to her daughters. Excited to learn weaving she is looking forward to CRMA beginning lessons for local girls helping to keep the ancient traditions of weaving alive, and to making connections world wide with women weavers. She sees this as giving us opportunities to learn from other cultures, to share our knowledge, and to support younger women in learning the richness of their traditions.